A (new) Nightmare on Elm Street (some spoily stuff going on)

Guess what I just saw? I saw a 10:30 a.m showing of NoES at Southdale. The theatre was thankfully almost empty with nary a talking asshole amongst the 10 of us seeing the movie. That didn't make the movie any more enjoyable unfortunately.

Need I recap the original series for you? Okay, if I must. Freddy Krueger is a burned-up pedophile who kills teenagers in their dreams as revenge for their parents going vigilante on his ass. To this film's credit, that story was actually told more succintly here. It was always confusing in the original series who the children of Elm Street were. Here, the kids being attacked are the actual victims of Kruegers, not descendants or siblings or whatever.

That is one of the very few compliments I can give this movie. Mostly it was just really boring. It wasn't fucking awful like the Friday the 13th remake, but it wasn't as good as the TCM remake. It's well-shot and kinda creepy, but it just seemed to amble along with eerie music playing, but nothing happening. And it seemed a little disjointed, like two different movies slapped into one.

The first movie....uh, 45 minutes is sort of a retelling of the Rob & Tina story from the first movie, except with an added boyfriend, parental duplicity & boredom. One kid "kills" himself & his girlfriend has a vision of herself as a kid at his funeral. She suspects she knew him before she actually KNEW him. She tells her stalky ex, but he vehemently doesn't believe her although a totally eavesdropping Nancy does. Later, Tina (or was her name Chris....I cared so little I really don't remember) goes all Nancy Drew, finds some stuff, tells her friends who gawk disbelievingly, then she has a nightmare...and well, that's not good for her. Creepy ex gets arrested for her murder, but not before visiting Nancy and sharing info about the burned dude in their dreams. Then he has a nightmare in jail and his cellmate is gonna have some 'splainin' to do.

Now, we're in movie 2 where Nancy and Quentin (formerly Glenn aka Johnny Depp) are trying to figure out what's going on. They do some research and we get Freddy's back story & I gotta say it is creepy. He's a gardener at a preschool the kids all attended and they just love him (probably because he's about the same size as them). Then rumors get started that he's being TOO friendly with the kids and before you can say McMartin he's getting chased down and then burned up real good.

But was he really guilty or was it a bunch of parents coaxing stories out their kids? Nancy and Quentin don't remember (due, in part, to a parental conspiracy of ridonkulous proportions. Sample dialogue: "Who remembers being 5?" Uh, ME!) and go about figuring out the truth.

I'll stop there. That part I thought was handled really well. The rest of the movie though was kinda lame. And I was not thrilled with our new Freddy at all. He was creepy in a way Freddy hasn't been (for me) since Dream Warriors, but he wasn't scary at all. The make-up really looked like shit & Jackie Earle Haley's diminutive size made him less than threatening (and yet, it added to the creep-factor in the pre-burn scenes, I thought).

Most of the acting was serviceable at best. I liked Tina & Rob for the most part, but Nancy was dreadful. Watching this actress is like watching paint dry. Also, she talks through her teeth (as did JEH as Freddy which I took to be a side effect of the burn. Not familiar enough with his work to know if he always sounds like he's wearing ill-fitting choppers) & just didn't seem to have any energy. The normally good Kyle Gallner also seemed lethargic in this. Maybe that was on purpose since they were supposed to be sleep-deprived. Mostly, it just came off as bored acting. The adults are practically a throwaway here Don't cast Clancy Brown and them give him like 3 scenes. You could have given that part to any yahoo off the street.

Ultimately, this movie just wasn't very entertaining. I can't recommend this one for theatre viewing. It just wasn't worth it.

Moving on

So I'm all moved in to my new apartment. I've been here a week now, and so far, it's awesome. I'm kinda mostly almost unpacked. Despite my best efforts to get rid of some clutter before I moved, I still have too much stuff. I wanted to eliminate using plastic bins (aka Tupperware per Andrew Tricker) as clothing storage, but there's no helping it. I just have a lot of clothes. I donated a good bit of stuff, but I just can't seem to whittle thngs down much more. I also FINALLY broke down and ditched (most) of the shoe boxes. I still managed to move with about 20 (had over 50). Some were shoes that were meant for donation, but got swept up in the moving frenzy. I can still make donations and get rid of some stuff though.

The move went well. Andy, Damian, Rebecca, and Eddie were my helpers. Andy and Eddie both have big giant pick 'em up trucks which actually came in handy even though I got one of the bigger trucks. We managed to move from one 3rd floor, no elevator apartment to another in about 4 hours. The only damaged property in the move? One wine glass and that was only because of my bad packing (cast iron skilets and IKEA wine glasses do not mix).

I've been making trips back to the old place trying to make it presentable which is quite a feat when I haven't done much in that department in the 3 years I lived there. Cleaning blinds and windows is a p-a-i-n pain! I vow to dust the blinds in this apartment at least one a week while I live here. The fridge was a breeze as were the bathroom tiles. The kitchen floor will get another over and the ceiling fan looks okay. The oven is being a bit stubborn, but that's because my oven cleaner can got clogged. Now I have to boogey over there after work on Tuesday (a counter day no less) and try to get those last bits of burned on pizza cheese off the bottom. Overall, I might lose a few bucks (one of the blinds BROKE while I was trying to clean it), but I imagine I'll get the majority of my deposit back.

Another awesome thing about the new place? Free Internet! I don't know where it's coming from (maybe the coffee shop next door), but it's awesome because that's $47 Comcast is not getting from the kid. When I ditched that, I decided to up my cable package to Digital Economy. $30 bucks a month isn't so bad. Then I got my bill yesterday and saw they were charging me for internet and for internet installation. I called to get it straightened out today and managed to get in on a promo paying only $19.99 for my Digital Economy (which would actually cost me $40 bucks a month since it's my only Comcast service) for a full year. I'm awesome.

I also decided that the iPhone is like totally overrated. As a phone I mean. I like having the apps and the QWERTY keyboard and all, but I'm not so keen on the $39.99 Data Plan. So I dug out my old Samsung Sync and called up AT&T to drop that and reactivate my that phone. Now I have an 8G iPod Touch. I'm able to pick up the same Wi-Fi connection in my apartment on my phone...I mean, iTouch, but I don't know how it'll work elsewhere. Either way, I got my old Sync (with my old Halloween and Metallica ringtones) back. I also downloaded Skype and Textfree Lite.

After cleaning at the old place for about 3 hours today, I feel like a grimy ball of dust. Gonna hop into my (fabulous clawfoot) tub, before I head to nite-nite-ville.

What's in The Box?

If I'm not mistaken, I heard good things about The Box. This far out, I can't remember where I heard those good things which is itself a good thing because I can't remember who to smack for making me think this movie might be good.

I expected a heck of a lot more which is maybe my own fault. Firstly, I knew it was based on a short story, but I somehow missed that it was based on a science fiction short story. Perhaps knowing that might have prepared me for the Sphere-like convoluted mess I was about to see. Secondly, I had my own idea of what this movie was about based on what I THOUGHT I'd heard. More on that later. Either way, this movie was not what I expected, wanted, or needed to see.

The basic premise is someone leaves a mysterious box on the doorstep of a yuppie couple. Later, a mysterious burn victim shows up and tells the wife her family will get a million dollars if she presses the button, but someone else will die.

Now, there are many directions this movie could go in. We could have a movie about the process of this young family trying to decide whether or not to press that damn button. We could have them press the button and then feeling guilty, they attempt to try to stop the death of the other person. We could have them press it and it turns out the million is sort of a monkey's paw. I'm no writer, so I'm just speculating here. But my lousy speculations are better than what we got.

So at the start, Cameron Diaz and James Madsen (and in retrospect, I honestly do not remember their characters' names) are woken up at quarter to 6 by a ring of the doorbell. She goes down to answer, but has barely missed the person. However, a box wrapped in plain, brown paper is left on the doorstep. She looks at it all curious like, picks it up, and brings it into the house.

Now, here's the part where I was wondering what the hell. In a post-9/11 and post-anthrax scare age, it is the rare dumbass who will just grab a random box left on their doorstep and bring it inside.

Next we cut to the couple opening the box in their weirdly decorated kitchen. It has one of those built-in eat-in areas and everything is yellow and brown including some wacky-ass wall paper, a very ROUND countertop TV, and the Trimline phone on the wall. I think, "Strange set design choice, but whatevs."

Anyhoodle, inside the box is a wooden, uh, box with a button on it which is under a locked dome...thingy. There's also a card which states a Mr. Stewart will come see them at 5. The couple and their son (who I'm guessing to be about 12) speculate about what the story is with the box, then head off to work, school, whatevs.

Here's another spot where I'm scratching my head. Everyone is dressed really funny with kinda old-fashioned hair and James Marsden is driving a kick-ass old skool Corvette, but it's no big whoop. Oh, yeah, Cameron Diaz is limping.

We first follow Cameron Diaz to her job at some fancy private school. She's teaching a class and some creepy kid with godawful blown-out hair is giving her the hairy eyeball. Mid-discussion, he asks her why she limps and she just stares blankly with melty-sad face (get used to that, you'll see it A LOT), then he asks if they can see it which she proceeds to do. To their credit, his classmates are calling him out for being an asshole, but they all stare intently as she takes off her sock and boot to show she's missing four toes on her right foot. The bell rings and everyone leaves with Blow Out proudly laughing.

This made no sense to me. Cameron Diaz reacts as if NO ONE had ever asked her what happened to her foot. I'll leap ahead and say, we learn later that she's lived half her life with this condition. Are we do believe that in 17 years she hasn't encountered that question? Hell, was he the FIRST student to ever ask? Whatever, ultimately, that has nothing to do with anything really, except it does sorta. Let's move on.

Next she's called into her boss's office where she's told the faculty tuition program is being eliminated. She looks sad somemore. I wasn't sure if that meant she was losing her job or that their kid wouldn't be able to go to school for free.

Then we head over to NASA and it might have been around here that someone said something that FINALLY clued me in that this movie was taking place in the 1970s. Yeah, I should have maybe caught my snap earlier, but the fashion, hairstyles (well, except for Blow Out's) and decor is juuuust this side of retro-fabulous that it could be modern-day.

So James Marsden is at a conference where his boss is talking about a space camera which took pictures of Mars which James Marsden helped develop. Some reporter lady asks question about the NSA's involvement which causes the room to go all a-twitter. The boss says he knows nothing about that sketchy-looking NSA guy sitting in the front row of the conference. James Marsden says something about the space camera to the lady.

Then we cut to James Marsden working on a special foot for Cameron Diaz. Some coworkers ask him what happened to her foot and he explains that when she was young she had to have a foot X-ray for some reason and the doctor accidentally over-radiated her foot causing her to loose 4 toes. Her family sued and she only got $10,000 which might have been a lot of money in the 1950s. Anyway, so now we know what happened to her foot which is sorta kinda important, but not really I don't think.

Oh, this is getting far longer than it needs to be. I'm not so good with the summing up but I'm gonna try and I'm gonna try to do so without spoiling it, but that might be tough since I kinda don't know what the spoiler would be because the plot is dumb or at least it was to me.

So Frank Langella shows up at 5 and tells Cameron that she can get the million dollars if she presses the button but someone they don't know will die and they can't talk to anyone about it. And he gives her $100 just for talking to him. She and James fret over it for forever then go see a play while the kid is at home with his babysitter. They come home and fret somemore. The next day, they fret evenmore then go to work. They come home and discuss it a bit, then Cameron just slaps the button like she's on Family Feud. Frank shows up later to retrieve the box and give them the money. Meanwhile, Cameron's dad is investigating a domestic homicide where a woman was shot by her husband while their kid was locked in the bathroom. They go to her sister's rehearsal dinner at Cameron's parents' mansion (that's some salary for a cop) and Blow Out is there giving them the peace-sign and staring. Other people are also looking at them weird. Someone tells James Blow Out humiliated Cameron in class. He attacks him and blow out gets a nosebleed. Oh yeah, lots of people get nose bleeds. They leave the party and go home. James drives the baby-sitter home. She starts spouting nonsense, gets a nose bleed then passes out. He takes her to her motel, then finds out she isn't whom she claims to be. She goes into her motel and all the other guests come out and stare at her as she makes her way to her room. James and Cameron both try to find out what Frank's story is. He has her dad run Frank's license plate number, she goes to the library to find out more about him. Frank calls her and tells her he knows what they're up to because he has employees everywhere. A weird looking dude watches Cameron from her backyard while she talks to Frank on the phone. James get accosted by a bunch of weirdos at a library where he gets chased into a room with 3 water portals. Cameron wakes up at home to find James in a waterportal hover over her. The water portal breaks and James falls out and they now have a flooded house. The kid wants to know what's going on, but the script makes nosense so he's in the same boat as us. They go to her sister's wedding. James gets kidnapped at gunpoint by the guy accused of killing his wife earlier. He drives and spouts nonsense until they stop the truck because of a Santa in the middle of the road. They stare for 20 minutes then get creamed by a truck. Paramedics arrive and only find one person at the scene. Back at the wedding, The kid goes looking for his dad and Cameron goes looking for the kid. Both end up kidnapped. And also at some point sketchy-looking NSA guy took James's boss to the place where Frank was struck by lightning which killed him but didn't. Frank is apparently watching all this from his own special water portal. Anyway, NSA guy takes the kid back to the motel where the guy from the backyard walks into the pool with the kid. James gets dragged before NSA guy and his boss yells something about him making a decision that will change everything or some such. Suddenly, James and Cameron are dropped off at home where Frank is waiting for them in their kitchen. Where's their son? What happened to the million dollars? What does Frank want?

I won't spoil it even though I don't think anyone should waste their time watching this movie. I confess to not being a huge sci-fi fan, although I can enjoy a sci-fi movie or even a sci-fi story now and then. I just found this to be too convoluted for its own good. I'm not sure if something got lost from page to screen or if the short story is just this random.

I guess I had hoped for a different story. A good movie could have been made about the family pressing the button and dealing with ramifications of that choice both real and psychological. Every action has a consequence. There was some of that, but none of it really made any sense. Heck, we don't even see them spend a dime of the money. Once Frank delivers it, it's never brought up again really. All the crap about water portals and other dimensions just seemed so unnecessary, but again, this was me watching this not realizing that the story had a sci-fi base (only caught that little tip during the end credits). I just can't say I liked this movie.

And by the way, this movie had a whopping 25 minutes of freaking trailers before it started! Twenty-five minutes!!! Normally, I would have just skipped them, but (1) I was making dinner, so I wasn't in a rush for the movie to start and (2) I didn't expect there to be so damn many. Didn't help that none of the trailers were for movies I even vaguely want to see...except maybe Book of Eli.

But speaking of movies about actions having consequences, I instant-watched a little flick called Nine Dead over a couple of nights. It's the story of 9 people who are kidnapped and locked in a room by a dude in a mask. He tells them they have to figure out why they are all there or he will kill one of them every 10 minutes. The star of the movie is Melissa Joan Hart aka Sabrina the Teenaged Witch. She is a horrible actress. Everyone else in the cast is awful too. The story takes some huge leaps of logic and you have to be prepared to hear a lot of yelling, but it's a okay flick to instant watch while you're maybe trying to figure out the best way to pack your yarn for your move or analyzing what that brown-ish thing with a freezer fuzz afro is next to the ice cream.