Things what I hated about H2 : Spoiler-y edition

Yeah, I know I said I'd wait a few days, but I've changed my mind. Deal with it. There are some mad spoilers in this, so fair warning and all that.

Okay I've already detailed how looong the opening sequence was. So let's get to the other stuff.

Like New Laurie. This chick is ir-ri-ta-ting! I couldn't relate or sympathize with her at all. I get that the trauma of the incident is suppose to have caused this big personality change, but her so-called rebel came off as a freakin' BRAT. Apparently, one concept for the original Halloween II was for Michael to come after Laurie 3 years later as she's started to move on and put her life back together. I always thought that would have been interesting (and sorta ended up happening with H20), but I liked the continuation of events through the night. I feel Zombie's story might have benefited from a wider time span between the previous movies events and this movies (and in reality the movies are 2 years apart, so why not).

Here, Zombie tries to remedy some of what he screwed up in part one by giving more depth to his characters. Unfortunately, he clearly doesn't know any real people. Laurie and her new friends are just obnoxious. They say 'fuck' a lot and make sexy comments because that's what wild women do. Annie is about the only character I really felt was broadened in this film. You did get a sense that she just wasn't over nearly being killed a year ago. The credit for that might just go to Danielle Harris more than Zombie. Once again, he fails to really flesh out his characters, at least the ones you're supposed to be scared for.

I also didn't like the random kills just thrown in. What was the point of him stopping at the Rabbit in Red except for the reference to the first movie? Yeah, okay. He comes across the trash guy during his travels (another WTF thing about this movie...I kept thinking of Metallica's "Wherever I May Roam" when those scenes came up), but why bother going into the bar to kill people? I'll allow the people in the truck, but it still seemed thrown in to up the kill count. While I get that Michael stalks and kills Laurie's friends, the killing of the girl in the van was so random (and perhaps to a similar kill in Prom Night, hmm?), especially since he freakin' teleported to the house moments later. (Another sign of the Jasonifying of Michael Myers by Mr. Zombie.) A lot of the kills in this movie seemed to be there as an attempt to keep people from falling asleep.

I know some people find Giant Michael more frightening than Carpenter's Michael, but his massive size takes a lot of the suspense out of the movie for me. Michael's "normalcy" in the original film is one of the things that makes him so terrifying. Yeah, big guys are scary, but it's that quiet guy you THINK can't harm you that you really need to look out for most of the time. Frankly, I was amazed at the number of people who thought screaming obscenities and threatening a guy who's 7 feet tall was a good idea. Not so surprising when he stomps your face in, dude.

And then there was the Loomis stuff. On the one hand, that was really interesting. I'm into true crime books & shows, so I know that there are a few opportunists out there. (If you ask me, Vincent Bugliosi is one of them. Yeah, I said it! Seriously, read his egomaniacal book Outrage about the O.J. case. THAT should have been called If I Did It as in If I Had Been the One Who Prosecuted the Case). I can get behind Zombie's portrayal of him as someone who would attempt to turn Michael's rampage into a money-making ego stroke. However, it didn't seem to fit with the rest of the movie. I know it was important to Laurie's finding out about her parentage, but a lot of it seemed wasted in this film.

I will give him this: he managed to sneak in a lot of nods to films in the original series which was actually enjoyable. I remember specifically the referral to Michael as a shark. (You may recall Busta's character in Resurrection saying Michael is a "killer shark", that is if you haven't blocked that abomination from your memory.) And the ending definitely harkens back to the ending of Pt. 4 when Jamie has "become" Michael. Also, Laurie sharing visions with Michael is a callback to Pt. 5. And of course, there's the hospital stuff. Here, Zombie managed to "remake" the original Halloween II without it feeling like a rushed obligation the way his "remake" portion of Halloween felt in the first film. Those subtle cues worked way better than stuff like the Rabbit in Red thing.

And one other thing, while I wasn't feeling the love for the new Michael (poor Daeg), that kid and Taylor Scout whatshername look a LOT alike, especially that end scene. Nice casting in that one area.

Lastly for the good stuff, the scene when Laurie walks out with that mask on was genuinely freakin' creepy.

Hey, I can give credit where credit is due.

Simply put, I thought it was a poor follow-up even to his own film. Somewhere in there was some potential, but it got lost in translation somehow. Disappointing.

Plan to see H2? This spoiler warning if for you.

I am about to spoil the shit out of the opening sequence of the movie, so if you haven't seen it and plan to STOP READING NOW!!!

Okay. So yeah, I saw this movie. Despite hating his reimagining of my favorite horror movie EVER, I tried to go in with an open mind. Honest I did! No, for real. I DID! After seeing the trailers (particularly the one withOUT ghostly Sheri Moon), I was intrigued. I went in wanting to be surprised, but came away disappointed. The movie was a convoluted mess.

The movie starts with Laurie wandering in shock through the rainy, deserted streets of Haddonfield after the events of the first movie. She is found by Sheriff Brackett and transported to the hospital where we get loving close-ups of the docs treating her many injuries interspersed with shots of the bodies, including Michael's, being removed from the Myers house. Now the ambulance van is transporting him along a lonely stretch of road. One of the paramedics is talking about how hot he thought dead naked Linda was and how he'd love to fuck her. The other guy is hunched over the steering wheel like your grandma telling the guy how gross he is. Then he decides to get in on the fun and tells a disgusting joke about fucking corpses. Then they slam into a cow in the middle of the road, as you do. Dirty Joke Paramedic is dead and Corpse Fucker Paramedic is pinned and coughing up blood (that happens a lot in this movie). Suddenly, Michael kicks his way out of the van, comes around front, grabs a shard of glass, and stabs Corpse Fucker to death.

Cut back to Laurie now convalescing in the hospital (Haddonfield General here). She has a boot cast on one leg and one arm is bandaged with pins in it (if there's a name for that I don't know because I've fortunately never broken any bones). A nurse is sleeping in the room, but doesn't hear her struggle out of bed and wander off to Annie's room. Annie's in a coma and Laurie cries and begs her not to die on her. A different nurse comes in and starts helping her back to her room. As they are moving down the hall, the nurse is called away to an emergency. Laurie gets dizzy and hobbles back to the nurses station begging for drugs. The nurse returns with a cut on her face and then starts coughing up blood (surprise). Laurie takes off, but not before seeing Michael come in and chop the nurse up but good.

Laurie gimps it down the stairs and runs out of the building. The gate is locked (which is kinda weird because it's only a hospital, not a military base) and hides out in a guard shack which is empty. Michael comes out just as the guard drives back up. Because of the torrential rain storm he doesn't see the mass of seething flesh with an axe off in the distance. He hustles into the shack and finds Laurie hiding under the desk. She's hysterical and can't really express her concerns. He offers to get his car and drive her back. He locks her in and heads to his car. We wait a couple minutes before he returns and is about to unlock the door when Michael whacks him in the back with that axe he procured. Laurie goes back under the desk and Michael literally smashes his way in, and kills her.

Or does he? DundunDUUUUUUUUN! Yeah, since that's only 20 minutes of movie, you probably know that was all a dream. A fucking 20 minute long dream sequence. Frankly, it only goes downhill from there. We get Michael the Hippie Wanderer walking the fields(?) of Haddonfield & killing random people for no fucking reason. We get visions of fucking Sheri Moon channeling Mrs. Voorhees and little Michael and a white horse urging Michael to kill (but not specifically). We get a new little kid playing little Michael. We get egomaniac Dr. Loomis on a book tour with his sassy assistant. New Laurie is no longer a goody-two-shoes baby sitter type. Dude, she has a tramp stamp and she doesn't comb her hair so she has 2 dredlocks and she wears jeans with holes in the knees and says 'fuck' to just about everything and she has even MORE irritating, skanky friends than in the first film. She's badass.

The one thing I will say I found enjoyable were the nods to films in the original series. He manages to reference just about all of the prior flicks, mostly in subtle fashion that I thought was a nice touch. There! I said something good about the movie. I'm not a total hater. Just mostly.

I might post a more detailed explanation about specifically what I hated about this movie in a few days or weeks after those who are gonna see it have seen it and everyone else has thoroughly spoiled it everywhere else.

Overall, I thought the movie was a hot convoluted mess. The completist in me is glad I've seen it, but I can honestly say that if there is another film in the series (god help us), I won't be rushing out to the theater on opening weekend to line Rob's pockets.

And in related news, I saw The Final Destination (TFD, as I call it) today. This movie is far from great, but I had a better time at it than I did at H2. The 3D bothered me more in this one than it did in MBV, but most of the effects worked. Hey, I'll admit it. I flinched a time or two. This is strictly for the theaters. Certainly not worth seeing on DVD.

I need a vacation

CoWorker I Hate has barely shut her mouth all fucking day. That is made worse because she is talking to CoWorker Who Sits Next to Me by shouting over the cubes like motherfuckas aren't answering phone calls and trying to get work done. This same stupid bitch has actually whined about my use of headphones. Do you see, people? Do you see why I fucking Hate her?

I wish I could make you understand. She's loud and abrasive and smug and acts like she like she wrote the fucking DMV statutes, and gets all pissy when you blow her off or prove her wrong. Her voice is this annoying mixture of nasally Minnesotan, braying hyena, and side-of-the-teeth lisp. I'd rather have to listen to nails on a chalkboard on my iPhone.

And I know she hates me because I'm not afraid to tell her she's wrong or to blow her off or to not kiss her ass. I remember when I fiiiiiirst started, she was sitting with me at the counter and I was trying to explain something to a customer. Granted, I was knew, but she actually shouted over me three times. The customer actually said, "Would you let her talk?" She got real snappy with him basically saying, "Well, she's new and I know what I'm talking about." How rude, right? I left and wouldn't go back out to the counter with her after that.

H2: The Rationalizing

So I just read (most of) an interview some dude did with Rob Zombie about H2. As I've said a few times before, I'm intrigued by the idea of this movie. I'm not gonna be one of those people who just will not see a remake on some kind of principle because occasionally, I might be surprised (MBV 3D, TCM). That isn't always the case (F13), but at least my hatred is based on something.

While I'm still not a fan of the first film or Rob Zombie in general for that matter, I really am gonna try to be open minded. The key for me is just ignoring the fact that it's a follow-up to his crappy remake. The interview makes it sound like Rob is trying to move his films away from the original series as much as possible. He isn't even using the classic theme (not that he used it very much or very effectively in the first movie). I don't have a problem with that. If he could change the characters' names, I'd be down with that too. But I think taking that theme which is SOOOOO associated with the original might help those JC diehards (like, say, ME!) deal with the fact that their beloved series has moved on to a whole new ball game.

For me the only chink in the armor now is Rob himself. I'm just not crazy about the man's work. It's a bit too stylized and referential. He says in the article that even though he uses folks who are popular within the genre he isn't really doing it on purpose because only genre fans would even notice. Umm, bullshit? That's the thing I dislike about him. He tries to come off so casually oblivious to his obvious pandering.

Anyway, I can't say I was thrilled with the soundtrack discussion either. Have any of the previous Halloween films even had a soundtrack? Egads! Soundtracks are a hit or miss thing with me. Too often the songs are just the latest claptrap put out by bands you won't hear from in a year or they're chockful of "cool" songs from the 60s & 70s that are supposed to tell you what to think/feel (or simply so you'll know what time period the movie is taking place in since you can't tell by the mutton chops and bell bottoms alone sometimes) because the filmmaker can't figure out how to do it her/himself.

Final thoughts:
Woohoo! Betsy Rue naked...again. I can't wait. (sarcasm, BTW)

The Internets didn't make me hate your reimagining, Rob. You made me hate it. (Although I'll agree there are some people who are predisposed to diss on it without seeing it simply because it's not JC's movie. And I'll admit to being one of those people dissing it before it came out back in '07. HOWEVER, seeing is believing and that movie sucked balls when I saw it in the theatre and it STILL was lappin' at them when I rented the director's cut DVD version a few months later.)

Who the fuck mixes up Clint Howard and Billy Bob Thornton?

How to cure a hangover...not really

Today is D's birthday, but because those Lovesacs aren't gonna sell themselves on a Saturday, they had a bbq at their house for him last night. I brought my usual spinach dip and a 6 pack of Fat Tire arriving at 7:45 and expecting drink half of my beers and leave at about 11. All sorts of fun was had by ME because the Trickers were there with Lila and the Armstrongs were there with Cooper and of course, the Jorgensons themselves have Dominic and Lav. I do love the babies. Also got to see Scott & Jen and Miss Jackie which is always awesome. Anyway, my spinach dip never got eaten, I had all of those 6 beers, and I ended up walking home with the bar-closers.

Needless to say, I woke up feeling a little on the crappy side. That wasn't helped by the fact that I woke up at 6:45. I only managed to get one more hour of sleep before dragging my ass outta bed. It helps that I'm a morning person and I had a kitty to feed. I decided that the best medicine was a trip to the library, a bloody mary/benedict breakfast, and a movie.

Picked up a few true crime books at the library and was confused by a new bartender at Pizza Luce. A cute and earnest fellow, but not as awesome as my usual girl. I took the train to MOA, making it there with 15 minutes to spare before my movie started. Got my popcorn, found a comfy spot in the middle of the theater and crossed my fingers that no one would sit near me.

As luck would have it...well, I don't have any luck. A whole row of stupid talking heifers sat a couple of rows behind. I seriously would like to know why people act like they are in a private goddamn screening.

The movie, A Perfect Getaway, was o-kay. I can't decide if I really liked it. The twist was...o-kay, but I found a lot of the characters unlikeable and hard to route for. It wasn't much of a horror movie and I'm not so sure why it was rated R. The bloodshed is minimal and I don't even recall a lot of swearing. Overall I think I liked it. If asked, I recommend it as a rental.

So now I'm home plucking songs at random out of my head and listening to them through blip.fm. My head and tummy still ache a little bit and I could sure use a nap. For now I'm gonna have some leftover shrimp fried rice and rumaki and contemplate watching Mirrors.

Other things that happened this week: I got my property tax refund. I made a payment arrangement with a couple of my credit card debtors to get those paid off in the next year. I re-fell in love with Old Navy. (I just love them for fall/winter clothes.) I found out there is a yarn store just a hop/skip/jump away from me at work. (It's a Borealis Too.) That last could be trouble.