2/3rd of a Trooper

Even though I totally hated Rob Zombie's Halloween, when I saw that it had been released on DVD (the director's cut even) and there is a commentary track with my least favorite director, I went ahead and rented it. I could only make it about 2/3 of the way through (just after Annie's attack) before I realized that I was just bored and didn't really care one bit what Rob was saying and the movie was still totally unentertaining.

The jest of his commentary is "a funny thing happened behind the scenes" with a few little hints about how he thought his movie was better (Laurie wouldn't be such a stick-in-the-mud; Tommy would be more of a smart-ass, Loomis would have taken advantage of a case like Michael's, etc.).

The added stuff didn't really add a whole bunch so I can see why it was cut. There is a particularly nasty bit of business in which a female patient is taken in KaneMichael's room and raped by a couple of the guards/attendants as they taunt Michael. The point of the scene is to spark Michael's escape, but it all comes off as gratuitous sexual violence for the sake of gratuitous sexual violence. Clearly, others thought so which is why the scene was snipped. Rob explains that he thought the scene was important because reports he read and films he'd seen talk about how much abuse occurred in mental institutions in the 70s. Yeah, Rob. Thanks for clarifying.

(Oh, and another added bit has full-frontally naked Linda being strangled instead of merely a boob shot. Rob says that he's really glad his actors who got naked weren't all uptight about it because in general the crew has seen it all and really doesn't care. Firstly, Rob, it is your ACTRESSES who got naked. The barest thing I saw on a guy in this flick was feet. Secondly, whether or not your crew is excited doesn't mean that a woman can't feel a bit queasy about her boobs swinging in the wind while some giant swings a fake knife at her. And thirdly, STFU!!!)

Ultimately, the guards pay for their ugly deed which brings me to another thing that bothers me about Rob's movie. While the characters in the original film aren't exactly wholly fleshed out, they aren't stupid caricatures or types, and none of them are terrible or unpleasant. You felt badly when they died even though you didn't know them well.

In Rob's film too many characters seem to be "asking for it". When Michael attacks the really foul-mouthed bully kid (Rob remembers kids in his school talking about other's kids' mom's having to have cum pumped from their stomachs...despite the Murder High moniker we earned one evil lunch period, my high school really wasn't that bad at all), I seriously think Rob wants that picked-on junior high part of us to cheer as that kid goes from tough guy to begging, whimpering bloody pulp. Sorry, Rob. No can do.

I didn't even make it to the second disc which has even more deleted scenes and making-of stuff. I just don't care enough to invest the time, energy, or brain cells needed to muddle through it.

Latter, I'll tell you all about how much I hated Hatchet.

Movie Date

I treated myself to a movie for the first time in many moons yesterday afternoon. I went and saw Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. I'm having a Philip Seymour Hoffman period right now, see. Anyway, it was actually quite good. Sympathetic, though occasionally vile and pathetic characters and very edge of your seat plot-wise, but without that headache-inducing kineticism of other heist-y movies.

I must admit to being a bit distracted by a couple of things. One was the annoying couple sitting not far behind me discussing the flick at points. That's what dinner afterwards is for. Shut it! The other was the fact that they never really turned the lights down. What up with that, Lagoon? Dark = Goooood! And finally (so a few things, not a couple) was the number of Law & Order/Oz/Sopranos/Wire extras up in that bitch. I'm all into the plot but also like, "Hey, that's Beadie" or "Well, hello, Scott Ross' sister" or "Isn't that Carmela's dad" (I was actually wrong on that last one). Hell, did you know, PSH himself appears in an episode of L&O back in the day? And, yeah Marisa Tomei can keep her Oscar. Even if she didn't really earn it for My Cousin Vinny, she makes up for that here...and well, it's not like most people get an Oscar for what they deserve.

Ch-ch-changes

Somewhere (Bahrain?), Michael Jackson is jumping up and down and squealing, “See! I told you!!!” It’s still doesn’t explain those Aryan babies he allegedly fathered.

So Britney’s “conscientious” little sister got herself knocked up. I only mention this because Dave and the DJs at KDWB decided they needed to debate age-of-consent laws since Jamie-Lynn’s babydaddy is 19. Apparently, they aren’t aware of the fact that it varies from state to state, and that there are little tweaks and twists to it based on both the parties’ ages. So no, JL’s Babydaddy is not necessarily a rapist. Everyone guy who is more than a year older than a girl is not a pedophile. To Catch a Predator has got everyone going crazy.

I also mention it because of the weird quote from Nickelodeon. They make it sound like she killed someone in a drunk driving accident (find link to Prison Break Tweener story). How would she not “take responsibility” for being pregnant? Is the “difficult time” reference to Jamie-Lynn’s situation or all the crap going on with her increasingly unstable big sister? Oh, and it’s nice of OK(!) to ask JL how she feels about premarital sex what with her having got some and all. I think it would have been smarter of JL to say “I’m not gonna answer that” or “I mind my knitting and you should mind yours”. Instead she cops out and goes with the “don’t do it (even if it felt pretty good to me)” which just makes her a hypocrite.

So now I’ve said too much about Jamie-Lynn Spears’ bun-in-the-oven.

I wrong once before about a self-defense case. In that one, some guys went over to start some trash and got the bad end of the beatdown. One of them died and another guy was subsequently tried and convicted which surprised me, but I didn't watch the trial so clearly there was some stuff I missed.

I'm not watching this one either, so who knows what will happen. However, you know the whole thing about opinions and assholes so I'm gonna give my point of view on this.

Simply put, no way John White should be found guilty of manslaughter here. Maybe reckless endangerment if you think (like I do) he grabbed his gun in an attempt to "scare" these guys off. A carload of hooligans pulling up and making threats to my kid? I'd grab a shotgun too (if I had one). Why is this Black man expected to lock his door and cower in his home? Would the prosecutor be saying the same thing were the situation reversed? Or if the group of kids making the threats had been Black also? Normally, the playing of the race card irks me, but it is somewhat appropriate when you consider a Black man was (falsely) accused of raping a White girl, is then followed to his home by a gaggle of White guys who then get out of the car and yell racial epithets at him. It may seem overly-dramatic in this day and age. However, there is no denying that racial tensions still exist and that hate crimes still occur. They didn't retreat even after the boy and his dad came out of the home with guns in hand. That to me would indicate they meant business, and not good business either.

I'm not crazy about the prevalence of guns or the quickness with which people will use them, but I'm also not crazy about double standards about who can protect their property and family from whom.

Prom Night

My hometown finds a place in the LGBT fight. I really hope K.K. wins his suit. One thing that really strikes me is the comment made about masculinity in women versus femininity in men. I really believe there is some truth to this. To quote Madonna's "What It Feels Like for A Girl": For a boy to look like a girl is degrading because you think that being a girl is degrading. There lies a lot of truth in this. Why else would that nutburger sheriff in Arizona think that dressing male convicts in pink is a form of punishment? The indignity of picking up trash along the road is one thing, but having to do it wearing pink!!! Oh the shame. What exactly are the chicks made to wear that will make them feel horrible? Why do you have expectant parents who find out what the sex of their baby is beforehand so they'll know what colors to paint the room or to buy the clothes in? Since all babies come out looking like that old guy in Metallica's "Unforgiven" video, a person needs a signifier to know what the heck (gender) that is wrapped in all that swaddling. And heavenforfend Li'l Wayne be mistaken for Li'l Kim. And think of all the "masculine" things girls get away with (to a degree): "boyish" short hair, wearing pants, eating like a pig. While long hair on fellas is rarely commented on anymore (that hair can't be too pretty though), a guy in a skirt is gonna foster some comments. I recall a rash of commercials over recent years telling guys to "eat like a man." Remember those commercials with the guys doing stuff like waving away a bee or sneaking away from a card game to call their wives. They were then crushed by a giant beer can as the annoucer proclaims, "Men should act like men." So men should get stung by bees and let their damn wives worry.

I would like to think we are moving away from these kinds of labels and signifiers. Hopefully, this suit will bring some enlightenment to some school administrators.

Hurray for the justice system?

I read this and I'm simply appauled. I don't know how anyone could read this and think this is okay. Most of the people quoted here seem pretty proud of what they're doing, but frankly, they should be ashamed. The lengths these lawmakers went to, and apparently are still going to, in order to keep one guy in prison is sickening. They didn't just do what they could "within the law", but actually made up new law for this person. That's sick! Craig Price may well have been an unrepentant budding serial killer when he was first prosecuted, but he was also a teenager and instead of everyone shaking their heads at his impending release, they should have thought about what they could potentially do keep this guy from staying on his psychotic path. This article doesn't make it sound like anyone attempted treatment (and being assessed or tested by a shrink and getting treatment are very different things). They describe Price as a remorseless smart-mouthed kid from a good home. Well, I'd wanna know what the heck is wrong with him. I maintain that teenagers are different. They don't think like adults and shouldn't be treated like adults.

I tell you one minute the system (or a part of it) makes me proud, and the next it smacks me down.

Wasting time

I did so much laundry this weekend. On Saturday, I washed 4 whole loads first thing in the morning. Four loads! I have lots of clothes. I did 3 more loads on Sunday, but that was all jeans, well, and one scarf and a denim jacket. And you know I still have probably about 2 ½ loads worth on my floor. It might be time for a trip to Mary Jo’s, except I’m poor so maybe I should try a consignment shop this time.

I went shopping with Bean Saturday and I spent less than $50. For me that is impressive. We went to World Market where I found chipotle chili powder for hella cheaper than it is at Kowalski’s. The $.99 packet I got there filled over half the $7.39 Kowalski’s bottle. I resisted the urge to have her stop at either Michaels or Jo-Ann Fabrics. In other words, I did not buy yarn. That is impressive. Next it was over to Target where I found some of them rubber boots all the kids are wearing, some soup, and Trivial Pursuit’s Greatest Hits. I don’t know why I buy games. I never have people over to play those games. People never have me over to play those games. Guess I was just feeling like I needed to buy something.

So of course I woke up Sunday and decided to return that game because I already have the 20^th Anniversary and the Pop Culture DVD editions of TP plus the 80s Game which I never play. In fact I have a Sims game, a Civilization game, and a CSI game. None of which I know how to play. I am so horrible at computer games.

The really weird thing about this weekend is that I kept feeling weird about having nothing to do. Like, “School’s out, so what should I do with myself?” Weird. Because, really. It’s not like I spent that much time doing homework when school was in session. I’m kind of a bad student like that.

I did watch Waitress which was a cute movie. Not spectacular, but certainly enjoyable. Better than Knocked Up which was… not that funny. In fact, it wasn’t very funny at all. To be really honest, it was trying so hard to be funny, that it became extra-unfunny. Even Paul Rudd was unfunny in this, and well, I kinda love him. The beard bet thing got old really quick. They used up all the good jokes they had within ten minutes of establishing that as a running gag. Although I found Seth Rogan all sorts of hot in 40-Year-Old Virgin (it must have been the tattoos), there was no part of me that understood why Katherine Heigl’s character would give him the time of day when she first saw him. (And Ms. Heigl agrees with me, much to Mr. Apatow’s chagrin.) As for the pregnancy, it is believable that she would keep the kid and maybe even let him be a part of the baby’s life, but not so much that she would put up with his joblessness and potheadedness and general assholey-ness for very long because despite whatever the movie might be thinking, Girlfriend could definite do hella better by her damn self.

So I have watched this year’s comedy and it blew, so now I can go back to my usual anti-comedies stance for another 10 or 11 months.

To catch a thief

You know, I watched an episode of The Investigators on CourtTV (soon to be TruTV, ugh!) the other day about the Polka King of Philadelphia who swindled a bunch of people out of a crapload of money not so long ago. This guy had a scam where he promised 12% interest on investments in his souvenir shop and polka empire. The program started like one of those fake Behind the Music episodes that all the sketch comedy programs did back when BtM was the shite, like they were totally making fun of polka and polka aficionados. Then somebody cheated so that the Polka King’s wife could when the Mrs. Pennsylvania pageant and the PK’s luck ran out. Everybody wanted to get their money, but he didn’t have it and lawsuits were being threatened. Then, just like in Behind the Music, tragedy struck when the polka band’s bus crashed and burned, killing two and badly injuring the PK’s son. PK thought he’d have an out by saying he had all his “papers” on the bus, but folks weren’t buying it and the lawsuits came and an along came the feds. Soon, the PK was arrested for the swindling and found guilty in Delaware where he was sentenced to 5 years in prison, 3 of which had to be served in a regular old maximum security prison with all the rest of the criminals. Well, since he was just a little old white collar criminal, he didn’t fare too well in with the hardened mooks. A rumour got started that he was in for rape or molestation, so his cellmate decided to issue a little prison justice and slit the PK’s throat and stabbed him a few times for good measure. He was saved, but had to endured several surgeries and lost part of his hearing along his faith in the justice system. When the show asked some of his victims how they felt about what had happened to him, I was a bit surprised at the number of people who said, “[PK’s assailant] didn’t cut deep enough” or “He should have killed him”. I remind you, the guy took their money, not their daughter or only son or grandchild…MONEY. Meanwhile, the Delaware D.A. lady didn’t seem to want to say whether she really felt maximum security prison was the appropriate sentence in light of all that had happened. This, despite an earlier news clip which showed her proclaiming the fairness of the sentence since he didn’t deserve to go to a “Club Fed”.

I bring all this up because this slimeball just got sentenced to 6 ½ years in prison. Now assuming he actually does any real time, you just know he won’t be breaking any rocks anywhere anytime soon. I guess part of me kinda feels like there shouldn’t be any big distinction between “white collar’ embezzlement and blue collar (?) robbery and these guys should have to do hard time just like any other thief. As they say, can’t do the time then don’t do the crime. That sort of separation is what makes these guys think what they are doing isn’t really hurting anyone, that they are above everyone else and certainly not in the same league as some street scum who robs the SuperAmerica for cash. I mean, why don’t the cops and the feds focus on some REAL criminals? Maybe fewer people would bilk victims out of their funds if they knew they might have to spend 2 or 3 years bunking with a guy who makes Charles Manson seem like a nice young man.

Another part of me though feels like putting the Polka King in with violent felons was a bit harsh. Perhaps I only feel that way because of what actually happened to him and I know I only feel like that because his crime was non-violent (and because I found some of his victims a little tough to sympathize with, but I’m kinda cold to those who are stupid in their greed). I mean, I can’t say I felt exactly bad when that inmate bashed in Dahmer’s crazy head because one of Dahmer’s victims was a 14-year-old boy and well, it was Jeffrey Dahmer who came off as pretty nonchalant about his deeds in interviews. And then there was that pedophile priest who was killed by an inmate. So he was old and frail and faced with younger, meaner inmates. Yeah, those kids he diddled were pretty young and defenseless too. The tears, they did not come to me after reading that story. I don’t know. It just seems kinda cruel, but I think my emotions got played on by the polka.

I gots the goods!

Wheeeeee! I finally got season 4 of The Wire in the mail today (well, technically yesterday, but since I was standing at a bus stop while the postman was dropping it off, I didn't pick 'er up until this morning). Dude, just looking at the cover art brings tears to my eyes knowing what those four kids are in store for this season. I know I have harped on this over and over and over again some more, but this show is absolutely brilliant. I can hardly put into words just how awesome it is. While all the critics were wetting their pants over The Sopranos, this show just quietly kept getting better and better. You won't hear too many folks griping about "uneven" or even "pointless" seasons of The Wire because so far, all four seasons have been fucking amazing.

Netflix it! Blockbuster it! Beg for it for Xmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or your birthday or an apology gift! Heck, BET it! (BET runs horribly dubbed and edited episodes when not running its ripoffs of other shows (College Hill = Real World for black kids; Hell Date = Blind Date meets Punked with a dwarf in a devil costume) and that Keyshia Cole show...which I find totally fascinating because well, her mom's a former crackhead and gets hella mad whenever anyone brings that up and her sister's husband had an affair with her cousin and Girlfriend is mighty p*ssed about that and the whole family is trying to encourage her to get back with him for the kids' sake ugh! and Keyshia, her mom, and her sis cuss each other out all the time and it's kind of awesome). Just…I suggest you watch The Wire is what I'm saying.

And then go to TWoP and read the recaps because they are hi-larious!!!

Speaking of which, I'm gonna go see what they thought of last night's crappy episode of SVU. Gloria Reuben looked amazing (I have always liked her) and she should replace stupid Casey every episode. Rumor is that Diane Neal is pregnant (which might explain her matronly wardrobe this season). Spoiler alert if you didn't watch last night!!! Who didn't know that white woman was guilty the minute she stepped on screen? She just talked all sorts of shady. Oh, and Ice-T could give Method (Actor) Man a few tips on how not to chew scenery. Somehow he does okay as Cheese on The Wire (okay, I will stop talking about that show right now. Watch it! Okay, right now), I personally never saw How High so I'm not sure how well he displayed his thespianic powers there, and he's still better than some other musicians I've seen on shows (Treach!). But he's no Ludacris.

Oh and Law & Order is coming back…on Wednesdays…where it belongs...with Jeremy Sisto...and no Branch. Woohoo! I bet that guy who decided to move the show to Fridays last season is looking for work. He should be anyway. So the second half of the TV season won't be all "Can You Beat the Lie Detector" and "My Choir Is Better Than Your Choir".

On right now: TNT is showing that episode of L&O with Toothy Roberts. Eeek! Followed by an airing of Pretty Woman. She plays a whore in both(one more literal than the other). Art imitating life?

Are you picking up what they're putting down?

So I have been sorta following the case of the black woman who was held captive, tortured, and sexually assaulted by a bunch of psychotic hillbillies in West Virginia. I don't need to tell anyone that this is a horrorible crime nor that the perpetrators deserve very long prison sentences for the trauma they have caused this woman. However, these church leaders bitching about the lack of hate-crime charges just makes me grab my head in pain. Is playing up the racial aspects of this crime so important that they would rather these nutjobs be convicted as racists (with less prison time attached) in lieu of kidnapping, torturing rapists (he-loooo, possible LIFE sentence)? We all know racism and prejudice exist. We all know that occasionally crimes committed against "minorities" are treated less seriously than those committed against those in the "majority". But there comes a time to pick your battles.

Halloween the redux

So I went and saw Rob Zombie's Halloween today and unsurprisingly he met my expectations. I expected it to suck and it pretty much did. I tried to imagine if I would have liked it if I could have somehow not compared it to the original. The answer is: NO!!! I still would have hated it. Rob Zombie is about as good at making horror movies as all the rest of the hacks who are making these gore-porn festivals now. I'm not impressed. And since a huge chunk of the movie is a Cliff Notes for Dummies version of the original with hints of Friday the 13th Pt. 2, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and several of the Halloween sequels, it's kinda tough to separate this steaming pile of shite from its alleged source.

One problem with the movie (besides its very existence) is Rob's insistence on feeding into the Hollywood stereotype of who becomes a serial killer. In the original, Michael came from what we assumed was a fairly normal middle class suburban family. (Sure, his parents probably had secrets. Maybe dad liked martini lunches and breakfasts and dinners and having special meetings with his secretary. Maybe mom was a pill-popping floozy whom cops brought home every weekend from the local bar.) So his sister invited her boyfriend over for some random nooky. I didn't get the impression from the original that she was being judged for that. She had some sex, and that's what teenagers do.

Here, the family is the epitome of white trash. Mom's a stripper (giving Rob a chance yet again to show off his wife's ass on film), StepDad (no mention of Real Dad) is a good-for-nothing jackwad, and Big Sister is kind of a skeez. I don't think we were supposed to sympathize with Dad when he gets his (and just for shits and giggles this time Big Sis's boyfriend bites it too), but I can't say I was thrilled with the demise of his sister. Part of it is the way she is killed as opposed to Dad. Dad is a relentless asshole to both Michael and his sister (which I'm sure is why Mom loooooooves him). He insults and threatens everyone in the house including a wee baby, yet his death takes about 10 seconds. Sis, on the other hand, is stalked and terrorized a bit before she gets hers. In fact, hers is the first of 3 terrified-woman-trying-to-crawl-to-safety scenes. We aren't supposed to believe she deserved to die because she chose sex over taking her chubby kid brother trick-or-treating, are we?

I'm not one of those people who flings out the misogyny accusation to horror movies very often, but I gotta say I think our boy Rob might have some Terrence Howard-level issues with the ladies. Sure he makes Michael's mom sorta sympathetic (could that be because she's played by Rob's wife?), but I'd for sure hold her responsible. What type of crankhead allows a guy who talks about the sexiness of her teen daughter's ass and threatens to rip her son's face off stay in her home? Bitch, no wonder your kid is fucked up, and that seems to be Rob's thinking too.

The Dr. Loomis character here is an insult to the memory of Donald Pleasance and psychiatrists in movies in general. Here, you don't get the sense of urgency from Loomis like you did in the original. This Loomis seems more curious about what Michael's up to after his (extra-bloody) escape than he is about taking him out. He acts like he's bored and that makes him boring.

Loomis isn't the only character that Rob screwed up. Since the 'character building' in this takes about 10 seconds and it consists of them screeching like fingernails on a chalkboard, I can't say I was too traumatized by the attacks on Linda, Annie, and Laurie. Was I supposed to be saying 'just fucking kill her already' when Michael was carting Laurie from one location to the next? To make matters a little gorier, Rob tosses in a school bully (Rob Zombie likes kids about as much as he likes women judging by this death scene), some random trucker (Mikey's gotta get his jumpsuit somewhere), Annie's never-seen-in-the-original boyfriend Paul, and Laurie's parents as additions to the meat wagon.

And another problem is the pacing of this movie. Things go kind of slow in the beginning (really slow actually), but then you blink and there are dead bodies coming out of your eyeballs. A high kill-count does not a good horror movie make. I mean, it can. Jason racks up the corpses like it's going out of style, but usually there is a bit of fun to those flicks since he always has such innovative ways to kill, like wacking someone zipped in a sleeping bag against a tree or punching someone's head off. Michael does do a couple of beatings and a strangulation, but mostly it's suspenseless stalk-and-stab. Yaaaaaaaawn.

Oh, what's with the random use of the Halloween theme? I mean, Rob just drops it in here and there at the most arbitrary moments as though he's trying to remind the viewer she's watching a shitty remake of Halloween. Dude, she knows!

And then there is Michael himself. The kid Michael is okay. (Hey, look! I just said something good about this movie.) The actor does a good job of playing a little weirdo, but then most kids are little weirdos at the age of 10 so it's not a terribly far stretch. Adult Michael is a whole nother story. You know one of the scariest moments in the original for me is when Michael is trying to strangle Laurie and she manages to rip his mask off. We get a brief glimpse of his face and it's mostly in shadow, but you can make out that it is COMPLETELY NORMAL (well, except for the eye she had earlier poked out with a hanger)! In fact he's actually kinda cute (although not as cute as the blue-eyed, shaven-headed, tattooed hotty I saw at the bus stop on my way home from the theatre. grrrrrrrrrr! Mama like!).

Apparently, that was too boring for Rob, so he cast some guy the size of Kane, put mud in his hair, and combed it forward. Michael has his own little F/X shop at the hospital where he apparently sits all day in his bathrobe and slippers making masks and chewing on steroids.

Some might argue that I didn't give this movie a chance and had no plans to. They would be kinda right. Most of you know I've been pissed about this little project from jumpstreet. Considering this little quote, I haven't the foggiest idea what this prick thought he was doing here. Like I said, I didn't expect much and in that, Rob Zombie didn't disappoint.