Plan to see H2? This spoiler warning if for you.

I am about to spoil the shit out of the opening sequence of the movie, so if you haven't seen it and plan to STOP READING NOW!!!

Okay. So yeah, I saw this movie. Despite hating his reimagining of my favorite horror movie EVER, I tried to go in with an open mind. Honest I did! No, for real. I DID! After seeing the trailers (particularly the one withOUT ghostly Sheri Moon), I was intrigued. I went in wanting to be surprised, but came away disappointed. The movie was a convoluted mess.

The movie starts with Laurie wandering in shock through the rainy, deserted streets of Haddonfield after the events of the first movie. She is found by Sheriff Brackett and transported to the hospital where we get loving close-ups of the docs treating her many injuries interspersed with shots of the bodies, including Michael's, being removed from the Myers house. Now the ambulance van is transporting him along a lonely stretch of road. One of the paramedics is talking about how hot he thought dead naked Linda was and how he'd love to fuck her. The other guy is hunched over the steering wheel like your grandma telling the guy how gross he is. Then he decides to get in on the fun and tells a disgusting joke about fucking corpses. Then they slam into a cow in the middle of the road, as you do. Dirty Joke Paramedic is dead and Corpse Fucker Paramedic is pinned and coughing up blood (that happens a lot in this movie). Suddenly, Michael kicks his way out of the van, comes around front, grabs a shard of glass, and stabs Corpse Fucker to death.

Cut back to Laurie now convalescing in the hospital (Haddonfield General here). She has a boot cast on one leg and one arm is bandaged with pins in it (if there's a name for that I don't know because I've fortunately never broken any bones). A nurse is sleeping in the room, but doesn't hear her struggle out of bed and wander off to Annie's room. Annie's in a coma and Laurie cries and begs her not to die on her. A different nurse comes in and starts helping her back to her room. As they are moving down the hall, the nurse is called away to an emergency. Laurie gets dizzy and hobbles back to the nurses station begging for drugs. The nurse returns with a cut on her face and then starts coughing up blood (surprise). Laurie takes off, but not before seeing Michael come in and chop the nurse up but good.

Laurie gimps it down the stairs and runs out of the building. The gate is locked (which is kinda weird because it's only a hospital, not a military base) and hides out in a guard shack which is empty. Michael comes out just as the guard drives back up. Because of the torrential rain storm he doesn't see the mass of seething flesh with an axe off in the distance. He hustles into the shack and finds Laurie hiding under the desk. She's hysterical and can't really express her concerns. He offers to get his car and drive her back. He locks her in and heads to his car. We wait a couple minutes before he returns and is about to unlock the door when Michael whacks him in the back with that axe he procured. Laurie goes back under the desk and Michael literally smashes his way in, and kills her.

Or does he? DundunDUUUUUUUUN! Yeah, since that's only 20 minutes of movie, you probably know that was all a dream. A fucking 20 minute long dream sequence. Frankly, it only goes downhill from there. We get Michael the Hippie Wanderer walking the fields(?) of Haddonfield & killing random people for no fucking reason. We get visions of fucking Sheri Moon channeling Mrs. Voorhees and little Michael and a white horse urging Michael to kill (but not specifically). We get a new little kid playing little Michael. We get egomaniac Dr. Loomis on a book tour with his sassy assistant. New Laurie is no longer a goody-two-shoes baby sitter type. Dude, she has a tramp stamp and she doesn't comb her hair so she has 2 dredlocks and she wears jeans with holes in the knees and says 'fuck' to just about everything and she has even MORE irritating, skanky friends than in the first film. She's badass.

The one thing I will say I found enjoyable were the nods to films in the original series. He manages to reference just about all of the prior flicks, mostly in subtle fashion that I thought was a nice touch. There! I said something good about the movie. I'm not a total hater. Just mostly.

I might post a more detailed explanation about specifically what I hated about this movie in a few days or weeks after those who are gonna see it have seen it and everyone else has thoroughly spoiled it everywhere else.

Overall, I thought the movie was a hot convoluted mess. The completist in me is glad I've seen it, but I can honestly say that if there is another film in the series (god help us), I won't be rushing out to the theater on opening weekend to line Rob's pockets.

And in related news, I saw The Final Destination (TFD, as I call it) today. This movie is far from great, but I had a better time at it than I did at H2. The 3D bothered me more in this one than it did in MBV, but most of the effects worked. Hey, I'll admit it. I flinched a time or two. This is strictly for the theaters. Certainly not worth seeing on DVD.