Dirty little secrets

Chung-chung!!!

Hello, MY FRIENDS! Well, as some of you know, the networks were taken over by a Night of the Living Dead remake last night. Once again, a handsome black man valiantly battled a creepy zombie. Let's hope Obama's (Microsoft Word spellchecker thinks that should be Osama…it is totally, like, from northern Florida) battle ends better than Dwayne Jones, eh? Since MY FRIEND McScary pre-empted fresh SVU (and since I wrote this last week but never posted it) here's a recap of last week's episode for you.

This show is like watching a live-action re-enactment of the worst stories in the Enquirer. Tuesday's episode seemed to want to deal with the issue of what to do about budding pedophiles. I recall the Sunday Times magazine had such a story some months ago (can't find the link). This show didn't read that story.

So all the detectives are milling about the squad along with annoying new ADA chick (yes, she is pretty, but she's as horrible an actress as Diane Neal. Would it really kill them to hire a dude once in a while?). Munch is counseling some woman to leave her abusive husband. Fin interviews the husband who actually spits in his face!!! I mean it's all stuck on his little mustache and everything. Fin just casually walks out. Ice-T, how far you've fallen. I can't believe the guy who is man enough to allow the world to see him getting his hair permed in Pimps Up, Hos Down would allow a scene in which someone spits in his face.

Anyway, everyone else seems really bored and hoping for some hot sex crime action. In walks a teenage boy who wants to report some naughty deeds. Liv pounces on this and sits the kid down to talk (at her desk in the middle of the squad which seems a bit inappropriate). The kid admits that he's been having impure thoughts about his little stepbrother. Liv? Didn't see that coming…because she doesn't read the Excite TV listings which totally gave that bit away.

The detectives decide that he is lying when he says he never touched his little brother and now they need to PROVE that the little guy was a victim. Naturally, they go to freak out his parents. Stepdad is not happy to hear that his son may have been touched. Mom freaks out at the idea that her son might be a pedophile. Liv and Elliot really don't help matters much. They search the house and find a semen-stained sweatshirt in a hamper.

They take the little kid for an exam where the doc tells them there are no signs of physical abuse. Liv rains on the parents' parade by telling them that the poor kid's assault could have been oral. She and El then go back to the squad to grill the older boy. He swears he didn't hurt his brother and claims he wants help. He's a weeping, snot-running mess and I have to say I believe him. Elliot does his usually get-right-in-your-face-and-sexy-whisper-about-your-perversion thing, but the kid doesn't break. He tells them he goes to a website that allows him to "look but not touch". And the DNA from the sweatshirt turns out to be Dad's. Fin and Munch attack him at work where he reveals that he used that shirt to clean up after a little self-lovin' session. I wonder what kind of father uses his own kid's clothes to wipe up after. Maybe not a pedophile, but still a big fat jerk!

Off they go to visit the website's guru. WebGuru explains that he puts up non-pornographic pictures and offers "counseling" to help others like him control their urges. If they cross the line, they pay a price, he explains as he TESTS HIS GLUCOSE (psst! That's a plot point). Elliot doesn't buy it, but they can't arrest him because it isn't technically kiddie porn and they've no proof he's done anything wrong (yet).

Meanwhile, Older Bro has been released because the little stepbrother has denied any abuse and there aren't any treatment programs for pedophiles who haven't offended yet. (Shake you head at the pathos.) The little guy is later interviewed by a psychologist while Liv, El, and not-Casey observe. The doc asks if anyone has hurt the kid and the kid shoves a crayon up a doll's butt. Not-Casey is totally convinced now and ready to throw the older brother under a jail (did I mention that the older boy is 17?). Not so fast, says the Doc. He believes the boy has been coached and doesn't display any other signs of having been abused. Not-Casey doesn't want to hear it, but Liv and Elliot are sorta starting to see the light. She thinks Angry Dad might have put his kid up to this to keep the older boy away from his son. Not-Casey doesn't really care but wants some evidence to book Older Bro.

Liv heads over to their house where you could cut the tension with a knife. Mom is still in disbelief and says she wants nothing else to do with Older Boy and doesn't know where he is. Dad wants nothing more to do with her son or her and orders her to get out. Liv actually looks a little humble. Blink and you miss it though. She thinks mom is hiding her kid, but mom swears she isn't.

Back at the squad, they are analyzing the contents of the Guru's website when El sees a particular pic that interests him. He gets those crazy eyes (Oz fans might recognize them as Chris Keller's I'ma-kill-you eyes) and sketchily works his way out of the squad while everyone else is trying to find Older Bro.

Liv and Fin go back to Mom and Dad's as she's packing to leave. Liv thinks Dad might have done something to the kid, but he swears he didn't and storms off. Then she asks mom if she's helping him hide. Mom again claims she wants nothing to do with him. They leave and set up surveillance outside their domicile. Back at the squad, Munch saunters into Captain Cragen's and tells him they might have a "situation." It seems one of the pics the Guru had on his site, the one that made Elliot go all Keller-eyes was one of Elliot's many daughters when she was younger. Cragen, who knows what brand of crazy his squad breeds, grabs his gun and orders Munch to call in Liv and Fin.

We head over to WebGuru's with Elliot who does that door-kick thing he just LOVES to do and we cut away. Once the other detectives arrive, we find the guru's joint all torn up, the guru beaten and bloody on the floor, and Elliot furiously attempting to delete his daughter's picture from the site. Guru bleats that he wants El arrested, but they make him delete whatsherface's picture first.

I had to check out House Hunters, so I missed a bit here, but Elliot is being chewed out by the captain FINALLY! He yells at him for putting his fellow officers' jobs on the line. He takes Elliot's gun and his badge and for the second time in this episode, one of the Dynamic Duo looks humble. Cragen dismisses him and Elliot goes out where everyone looks at him sort of forlornly, then he just leaves...without an apology or anything. Aren't we supposed to be cheering for these guys?

Later, Fin and Liv are back on surveillance. Fin says something to Liv about her partner going off half-cocked (remember how Fin told Elliot off at the end of last season and then put in for a transfer that isn't gonna happen), but admits Elliot used restraint because Fin would have wasted the guy. Big talk, spitface! Liv drinks coffee and arches her eyebrow but says nothing. Then, she and Fin see Mom packing one box into her car. They figure this isn't part of her moving so they follow her. They wind up at some kind of loft and at the door they hear a blood-curdling scream. They bust in and find Mom cradling her very bloody, very dead son. Fin pulls her off and Liv looks weirded out.

Mom is now in a squad car being questioned by Liv. She says she wasn't helping her son and didn't know where he was until last night when he left a message saying he wanted to come home. She went to take him his stuff and tell him she never wanted to see him again. Liv looks sorry for her and says she might not get in trouble for helping a fugitive.

Later, the ME informs the gang that Older Bro was sodomized with a homemade baseball bat before he was killed. She kindly shows them the splinters she removed to prove her point. Ouch! Now everyone is trying to figure out whodunit. They send the ME off to run tests on the blood found at the scene, while Liv zeros in on Angry Dad whom she figures heard the message and went to exact some revenge even though everyone is now pretty sure the little kid was not assaulted. They pick him up and hustle him into an interrogation room. He finally admits to bat-raping the kid, but won't cop to killing him.

The ME shows up and says DNA at the scene wasn't Angry Dad's, offers the clue that the killer was diabetic! Well, who did we see checking his blood sugar earlier in the episode? I can't seem to recall…oh, that's right. It was WebGuru. They head back to his place and arrest him and destroy his computer or something. He gets all sanctimonious claiming Older Bro finally confessed to having assaulted some kid and had to pay for breaking the rules. But mostly, he sounds bitter and angry that Older Bro got to touch and he didn't. He's arrested and hauled away.

The episode ends again with everyone (except Elliot) sitting around the squad morosely wondering how they will find Older Bro's victim. Then that chick Munch was talking to at the beginning comes in even MORE beat up than she was earlier. She tells Munch she loves her husband, but she doesn't want to die and we go to credits on that frighteningly sad note.

But this episode kind of pissed me off and I'll tell you why. There were too many cop-outs. Elliot blatantly broke the rules for personal reasons for the 15 millionth time and appeared to be suffering consequences, but he is ultimately absolved when it turns out WebGuru is the murderer. Dick Wolf says Elliot broke the rules, but WebGuru deserved it. Older Bro's murder seems to be an easy way to not deal with how society should handle young people who express violent sexual behaviors. I think even making the kid 17 was a cop-out. Heavenforfend we really have to think about what to do when faced with a 13 or 14 year old who expresses sexual interest in young kids. I also didn't like that the detectives were so quick to believe WebGuru when he told them that the kid had confessed to him. He's a MURDERER! And making Older Bro a perp also seems like a way for everyone to walk away with clean hands.

This isn't as convoluted plot-wise as some of last season's episodes, but it's still not exactly up there with the stuff from seasons 2 – 4.