The Real Housewives of Crazyville

I should be doing something productive with my night off (like LAUNDRY), but I made chili and sat down to eat and flipped through the channels. I happened across Bravo and found The Real Housewives of Atlanta. This show is a freakin' trainwreck that I cannot look away from. I have mentioned this before here. It's 5 women who are married or divorcing professional athletes or other types of men with money. They spend lots of money and bicker like junior high school girls. One of the episodes tonight featured 3 of the five women and their husbands going out to dinner. Bitchy NeNe (she's the one who looks like New York's mom) got blasted and sang a mean awesome song about Kim (the white woman with the Barbie hair). She called her out on her delusional country music aspirations and her claims that she is only 29. Later, Kim and Sheree (the one who's trying to bury her husband in the divorce) go to a botox appointment (Sheree is only there to support "29-year-old" Kim) and Sheree tells her about NeNe's song. Kim gets all pissy.

On another day, Kim, Sheree, and one of the other ladies go shopping for overpriced underwear at some fancy shop (where Kim unfortunately reveals that she doesn't wear panties...eekeeeww!). NeNe and DeShawn (the one who runs some kind of foundation) show up and NeNe gets the cold shoulder. Kim and Sheree go to lunch where they are meeting Dallas Austin to talk about Kim's singing career. You see, earlier Kim had gone to see a vocal coach at Dallas's recommendation. The coach lady told her she didn't know anything about singing and making music, much to Kim's chagrin. She tells Dallas all about how the woman is asking her questions like she's at the doctors office. Apparently at some point the coach asked Kim how to spell 'cat' and Kim said "K-A-T". Seriously.

Anyway, while they're eating DeShawn calls Kim and Kim just hangs up on her because she's hanging out with NeNe. DeShawn thinks the call got dropped and calls back and leaves a message. Now, you must realize that Sheree is totally stoking this Kim vs. NeNe thing. Every other sentence is about how NeNe has no class and is a miserable person. Sheree kind of sucks. Meanwhile Kim sneers at the homemade guacamole that the waiter makes at their table. Kim: "He just made that in a rock! That can't be sanitary." Class is in session and Kim dropped out of school.

Oh, at another point. Kim and Sheree are sitting in Kim's car sipping wine or champagne and listening to Kim's song. It is atrocious, but Sheree (being a good friend) lies and tells Kim she has a beautiful voice. Sheree really kind of sucks. Then Kim drunk-drives off. Later, Kim goes into the studio with Dallas. The look on his face when she starts to sing is fucking priceless. If I had cats they'd have all leapt out the windows after the first note. He lets her finish and plays it back for her and you actually see it dawning on her that all those people at the karaoke bar have been lying to her. I loved it! She still thinks she can be a country singer. I think even country music fans will have none of that.

Ultimately, Kim sends a break-up text to NeNe about how she's not a real friend and she should stay out of Kim's life.

Dramaaaaaaa!

There's another episode on now in which Sheree tries to start a fashion line (with her soon-to-be-ex's duckets) and DeShawn tries to bring everybody together by throwing a barbecue. I must say DeShawn tries to play the innocent, but I think she's an instigating little sneak. When NeNe was singing the song, she claims she had no idea it was about Kim, but she was just laughing at how funny it was. I also call b.s. on her thinking that call was dropped. And the barbecue seems like a way for her to set up a little drama.

Just now she and The One Whose Name I Forget (she's the real estate agent) were shopping at some fancy store. DeShawn is married to some Cleveland Cavalier and TOWNIF is married to an injured football player. DeShawn comments on how she pretty much doesn't have to work because her husband has a guaranteed contract while TOWNIF's money isn't guaranteed. That might explain why TOWNIF has a career separate from her husband. (I just found out TOWNIF is Lisa.) The barbecue is starting. Instead of Kim and Sheree just telling DeShawn they can't come, they snub her. You see this is why they are bitches. DUDE, this show is CRACK!

Oh, speaking of crack, another reality show I love is Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is. Ms. Cole is an R&B star with a jacked-up family life. Her mother is a former(?) crackhead who had all 9 of her children taken from her at various points. Keyshia (and at least one of her brothers) were adopted by a upper middle class family and Keyshia went on to become relatively famous. The rest of the family has struggled, at least the ones we see on the show. The brilliant thing about this show is how the mom doesn't want to acknowledge how her freakin' crack habit had fucked up her kids. Keyshia has one sister who is the mother of three and in the process of divorcing her husband who cheated on her with one of her cousins (D-O-G!). Last season, she learned she was pregnant and was contemplating terminating the pregnancy. Unbelievably, CrackMama tries to talk her out of it by saying, "I never aborted none of my kids! I kept all of y'all." She fails to add "...until the State took you away from me." That was probably the most depressing thing I saw all year.

Anyway, it's back on this season and I need to know if she is going to keep the baby and if Keyshia has found out who her birth father is (surprise! CrackMama isn't sure) and if CrackMama is maybe still on that shit and who are all those other people running around.

I've gone on too long and the season finale of "Housewives" will be on soon. I need to refuel my cracklighter.

Update: Dallas has basically just told Kim that he isn't interested if she isn't willing to put down the Newports and actually work on her singing. I get the impression Kim thinks she can go into the studio and bay at the moon and they'll "fix" everything in post-production like they do for Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson. Except I have to believe there is a teeny bit of a base there. I'm not saying either is a good singer, but I think they have better voices, youth, and real ambition behind their careers. Kim just has Big Papa, her super-secret boyfriend. So I lied above because she's not married or divorced from an athlete. She's actually not a housewife. She's a kept 'ho.

Oh, and NeNe just found out that the man she thought was her father is actually not her biological father. NeNe sucks, but I feel pretty bad for her. And Lisa's injured husband is now uninjured and going to play for the Oakland Raiders. Gossip: Lisa and this guy have only been married for a few years. Apparently, she was married to R&B smooth man Keith Sweat and has two other kids...that don't appear on the show. Right now, that black guy who was on (won?) Project Runway a couple of seasons ago is telling Sheree all the reasons her fashion designer idea is jacked up. He calls her on being a lazy rich housewife who thinks starting a fashion line is a piece of cake, but much nicer than that. I'm pretty sure Bravo is paying him to be here.

This episode is messed up. All of their little hopes and dreams are being dashed. I kind of love it (except the NeNe thing which is actually for real sad).

Oooooooooooh! It's gonna get deep next week. They're doing the reunion. There is finger wagging and BarbieGirl Kim apparently claimed she had cancer which pisses Lisa off. It's ON! I shouldn't like this, yet another show about women being mean and catty towards one another, but damn! Crack, I tell you. CRACK!!!